Thursday, March 30, 2017

Budgetary woes may leave sex week cold

Earlier this year, Wyoming’s Casper College Wellness Center hosted sex week in the college’s union building. For the third year in a row, between 250 and 300 students have joined together in this arousing event. Who knew taxpayer-funded colleges had such stimulating spending priorities?

No doubt parents and taxpayers are thrilled to know that government is doing something to fuel the sex lives of students in taxpayer-funded colleges. After all, if the government didn’t promote sex, there wouldn’t be any…oh really?

Unfortunately, college budget cramps tightened the screws on a number of programs including nursing, and released instructors and computerized electronic databases. But who needs Internet porn when students can get a taste of the real thing at the Wellness Center?

The budget squeeze has dampened programs across the state, even dousing government spending fires such as Wyoming’s Capitol building renovation in Cheyenne. Originally, the renovation was a stripped down facelift. Plans soon heated up and a towering Taj Majal arose from the wet dreams of enthusiastic legislative empire builders.

This uplift aroused quite a bit of tension. When it looked more and more like empire stimulators desired bazillions of dollars for their Taj Mahal, Wyoming’s Governor Mead drew a line in the sand on the Capitol blowout. Undeterred, excited legislators bore down hard to abort that strategy, trying to screw over another budget to deliver their baby through the back door.

Just what had these legislators so steamed? They said a historic renovation would stimulate tourism to Cheyenne and keep the construction industry in the family way. After all, if government didn’t promote tourism we wouldn’t have any…how progressive!

But with a limp minerals sector, where would the money come from to pay for these wet dreams? No problem. Politicians would dig deep into the pants pockets of Wyoming families to continue stimulating their cronies. Luckily for taxpayers, the tourism and construction industry stimulus got squeezed out in the end. As compensation, perhaps free-spending legislators can give them free condoms, just like Casper College gave to expectant students during sex week.

But Casper College is also in trouble. Although total college revenue is down by about $13 million (state taxpayers fund about half of all college spending), expenses fell by only about $5 million. This math fertility comes from the vacuum aspiration of the college’s $10 million budget nest egg. But this sucking sound has left the nest egg empty. How do sex promoters hope to continue funding sex week and other crucial college programs such as love your body next year?  All college spending would likely be stimulated by a deep dive into your pants pocket in the form of – wait for it – higher property taxes! More sex stuff at the college, however would likely come from higher student fees.

No doubt, students would be thrilled to pay higher fees for sex. After all, sex week is replete with important initiatives. For example, an information table dispensed free condoms and pens. For Valentine’s Day, the center’s “Love Table,” offered surveys for couples and small games such as guessing how many Hershey’s chocolates are in a jar…how enlightened!

Some of the more instructive presentations, and I’m not making this up, included: “Awkward, Jerk-wad, or Stalker? When ‘Creepy’ Becomes Criminal, and How to Protect Yourself.” After sex week, the center hosted a “Love Your Body, Treat It Well” week to provide information and activities to help people develop healthy strategies to take care of and appreciate their bodies…how informative!

But if college officials are not able to strip taxpayers of funds for sex at the college, and with the tourism miscarry by stimulated legislators, maybe college officials can get taxpayers to fund sex week at the new Capitol. That would certainly stimulate something.

Better still, how about a pregnant pause? Instead of expecting more money from taxpayers and students, eliminate programs that offer, and I’m not making this up, HIV testing. Cuts to the nursing program could help make this a reality.

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