Earlier this year, Wyoming’s Casper College
Wellness Center hosted sex week in the college’s union building. For the third
year in a row, between 250 and 300 students have joined together in this
arousing event. Who knew taxpayer-funded colleges had such stimulating spending
priorities?
No doubt parents and taxpayers are thrilled
to know that government is doing something to fuel the sex lives of students in
taxpayer-funded colleges. After all, if the government didn’t promote sex,
there wouldn’t be any…oh really?
Unfortunately, college budget cramps tightened
the screws on a number of programs including nursing, and released instructors
and computerized electronic databases. But who needs Internet porn when
students can get a taste of the real thing at the Wellness Center?
The budget squeeze has dampened programs
across the state, even dousing government spending fires such as Wyoming’s Capitol
building renovation in Cheyenne. Originally, the renovation was a stripped down
facelift. Plans soon heated up and a towering Taj Majal arose from the wet
dreams of enthusiastic legislative empire builders.
This uplift aroused quite a bit of tension.
When it looked more and more like empire stimulators desired bazillions of
dollars for their Taj Mahal, Wyoming’s Governor Mead drew a line in the sand on
the Capitol blowout. Undeterred, excited legislators bore down hard to abort
that strategy, trying to screw over another budget to deliver their baby
through the back door.
Just what had these legislators so steamed?
They said a historic renovation would stimulate tourism to Cheyenne and keep
the construction industry in the family way. After all, if government didn’t
promote tourism we wouldn’t have any…how progressive!
But with a limp minerals sector, where
would the money come from to pay for these wet dreams? No problem. Politicians would
dig deep into the pants pockets of Wyoming families to continue stimulating
their cronies. Luckily for taxpayers, the tourism and construction industry
stimulus got squeezed out in the end. As compensation, perhaps free-spending legislators
can give them free condoms, just like Casper College gave to expectant students
during sex week.
But Casper College is also in trouble. Although
total college revenue is down by about $13 million (state taxpayers fund about
half of all college spending), expenses fell by only about $5 million. This
math fertility comes from the vacuum aspiration of the college’s $10 million
budget nest egg. But this sucking sound has left the nest egg empty. How do sex
promoters hope to continue funding sex week and other crucial college programs
such as love your body next year? All
college spending would likely be stimulated by a deep dive into your pants
pocket in the form of – wait for it – higher property taxes! More sex stuff at
the college, however would likely come from higher student fees.
No doubt, students would be thrilled to
pay higher fees for sex. After all, sex week is replete with important
initiatives. For example, an information table dispensed
free condoms and pens. For Valentine’s Day,
the center’s “Love Table,” offered surveys for couples and small games such as
guessing how many Hershey’s chocolates are in a jar…how enlightened!
Some of the more instructive presentations,
and I’m not making this up, included: “Awkward, Jerk-wad, or Stalker? When
‘Creepy’ Becomes Criminal, and How to Protect Yourself.” After sex week, the
center hosted a “Love Your Body, Treat It Well” week to provide information and
activities to help people develop healthy strategies to take care of and
appreciate their bodies…how informative!
But if college officials are not able to
strip taxpayers of funds for sex at the college, and with the tourism miscarry
by stimulated legislators, maybe college officials can get taxpayers to fund
sex week at the new Capitol. That would certainly stimulate something.
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