Conspiracy against prosperity - the article

This article was first published in the Wyoming Tribune Eagle on January 4, 2017 (with a few spelling changes, but no matter).

Scientists classify political theory into three major categories: capitalism, collectivism and apathy. The goal of political theory is to justify behavior, be that reaping what you sow, reaping someone else’s sewing or not giving two hoots. As a rule, any political theory that justifies taking someone else’s sewing will do. Collectivism is a typical example of that category.

With the cunning typical of criminal masterminds, collectivists play a long game. They don’t simply walk up to your house and say, give me your sewing. They work through the political system to get someone else to walk up to your house and say, give me your sewing. This creates the maximum opportunity for theft, as the only option for the homeowner is the jailhouse.

In this way collectivists are able to fund their takeover schemes. The politics of envy, the welfare state and the entitlement mentality are all used by collectivists to enhance their ability to justify a political system that takes other people’s sewing.

Collectivists who get jobs, build up savings and eventually own some of their own sewing often turn into capitalists. They now work to prevent people from coming to their house to take their sewing. This is considered the ultimate betrayal by collectivists.

Capitalists work hard to reap what they sow and think they should keep it. Science has not figured out how they do it, but capitalists justify this behavior by saying that we can’t all have what we want. By using the marketplace, the price system rations scarce resources to their best use. In this way, we all have the opportunity to become better off, not just those with political pull.

Capitalists make other claims poo-pooed by collectivists. For instance, capitalists contend it is OK to pay more for diamonds than water even though water is essential to life; it is merely a matter of supply and demand. Still braver is the claim that a person’s labor should be valued according to its contribution to the company. Capitalists have long said Marx’s labor theory of value, where the value of production is determined solely by the labor used to create it, is bunk. The value of labor is merely a matter of productivity.

Scientists haven’t discovered why capitalists rarely turn into collectivists. One hypothesis relates to the vast differences in strategies to sew more. To get sewing, capitalists say we must: ensure government is not crowding out the private sector by, for example, setting up government-financed sewing centers; we must get rid of red tape that prevents people from creating small business like, for example, hair braiding shops; and we must reduce government spending and taxation by, for example, reducing the number of bureaucrats who benefit from pension plans and health benefits the people forced to pay for them can’t afford for themselves.

Some have observed that even though the capitalist system, throughout history, is the only system that has reduced poverty by increasing the amount of sewing available, collectivists never give up. For some this shows a possibility of compromise. But not everyone agrees. Others say this in fact proves collectivist behavior is motivated entirely by theft and merely verifies that collectivists are sneaky.

Into the third category of political theory fall those who don’t give two hoots. They express no opinion on taking other people’s sewing. They, like the capitalists, just want to be left alone. Non-hooters tend to be reclusive, living in cabins in the forest or in living rooms in front of a television set consuming junk food.

Scientists are hard pressed to understand how they survive and if this opinion could change. It is widely assumed this behavior is a myth, as scientists have never actually seen it in action.

In light of the estimated size of the two groups that prefer to either reap what they sow or eat chips, scientists are completely mystified by how collectivists have been so successful for so long. Among the vast number of theories used to shine a light on the mystery, the most plausible holds responsible collectivists canny ability to wield guilt. In addition, a popular theory credits the collectivist’s ability to use purely hypothetical moral melodrama to jerk tears from law makers. Truly, collectivists utilize a shadowy strategy that capitalists can only aspire to, as the rest don’t give two hoots. 

One political theory has truly defined our age by justifying theft. Now, if only freedom fighters could find and motivate those who don’t care, they could to work collectively against the collectivists to remove the incentive to steal. This way, we might all sew more.